she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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