So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
So apparently I’m into choking now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize