just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
