I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
