I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
