Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
