You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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