I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
