1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
