If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
