3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
