I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
