i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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