when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
