youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
