I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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