No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
