I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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