life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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