Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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