dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
