Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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