she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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