I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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