Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
