You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
