sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
