im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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