I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
