Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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