If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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