They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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