she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
