Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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