apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
