Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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