Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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