Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
