Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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