I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
