I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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