How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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