if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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