I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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