I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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