Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
