i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
