Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
