i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
