Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
if you like me you must not know who I am
im drinking this country out of the recession.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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