Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
