not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
